You try, you try, you try ....

This post comes with a sound track. A bad recording, but the only one I could find of one of my favorite songs, and my theme song for this year. Play Bain Mattox's You Try, and read, if you will.



Well, better late than never as New Year's posts go. This one languished as a draft for three weeks.
I was inspired by retrospective posts I've enjoyed on other blogs and thought I'd try a photo retrospective, but failed miserably. It's no small task to find 12 highlights from 11,052 photos from last year. I got a little freaked out when I added them up. So I gave up on that notion. But here I am, reflecting anyway. It's good to look back and take stock, to make plans for the coming year.

When I reflect back on 2011, I have issues with relativity and perspective, so I'm glad I have my photo archives to remind me of the muchness of the past year. 2011 runs into a puddle that started around 2000, no thanks to chronic neck and joint pain and menopausal exhaustion, with a sprinkle of periodic depression.  I've done my best to hang on and be the parent, the wife and the daughter I needed to be, but if I had a do-over, I'd try to smile and laugh and relax more. It's been a year of drama and I've tried to keep a calm center on the home front, tried not to wallow in pity or midlife existential crisis, to think long term. Again, not been easy. I've often felt like I was slogging through deep mud, that I was doing everything wrong, or worse than I intended, and I've tried very hard to shut down my inner critic and just do my best. What else can a person do?

You live your life

You try, you try, you try

To come to life

You try, you try, you try

To walk the earth

You try, you try, you try

You die from birth

You try, you try, you try

So here's to 2012, a fresh start. I have high hopes. First, 12 is my favorite number, has been since I was nine, when I put my quarter on number 12 at the carnival and won my giant pink cat. I'm hoping that 2012 will be kind to me. It's the year of the dragon, a symbol of power, and I like that. Also, my doctor told me five years ago that most menopause symptoms are gone by the 9th year. 2012 will be my 9th year of debilitating hot flashes, night sweats, bad dreams, disturbed sleep and insomnia, and I'm hoping for a reprieve, because I'm worn out. And since the doomsdayers are predicting yet another apocalypse in 2012, I'm hoping for a good year just to make a point. Lastly, I'm finally wise enough to begin to understand that the only thing I can control or change is me, and I've been reading some things about aging gracefully and spiritually, and using some Zen and Buddhist mojo to reorient my thought processes, and that alone has given me a sense of calm and hope going into this year like no other.

Philosophically, I'll be working on being in the now, the vertical timeline, and not obsessing on the horizontal timeline. I'll be visualizing my monkey brain riding a purposeful elephant, maybe in a wonderful parade of tigers and dragons. When things get scary or stressful or too hard, I'm going to visualize my calm lake with a storm passing by, and I'm going to think the wind and the clouds away and make the calm happen until the sun comes out again. Or sail away from the storm. Whatever works.

Practically, I'll be working on incremental improvements. I'm going to fight being crabby when the mood strikes me, especially around my kids. I'm going to be as kind as I can for as long as I can. I'm going to start getting rid of the things that don't make our lives better - the clutter, the things that don't work, the things that take up too much space. I'm going to spend as much time outside as I can. I'm going to start planning a better garden this winter, and have my seeds started on time for once. I'm going to eat healthier and continue to shop locally. Maybe even exercise a bit. Maybe. Or maybe just walk the dog more often.

Pie in the sky wise, I'm going to finish those baby scrapbooks and  convert all those mini-VHS to DVD's to give to my almost grown children so they can know who they are and who they were and where they came from. I know how important it is to know those things, even though they might not care for a few more decades. They will someday, and I'll hopefully have it done by then.

Time sure does fly.

This year, every time I breathe in, I'm going to be grateful and breathe out real slow, and be glad to inhale the next time. I'll be glad to see and share the world through the eyes and hearts of my blogger friends, and I resolve to keep reading here in the magical internet, and writing when I have something to say.

I wish for a kind year for all of us, as we try, we try, we try.