Busy.
Cold.
Drama.
First, Milwaukee, two weekends ago. Three days of volleyball and fun times with the girls and their parents. Good times, all around, and third place medals too. Before the Upheaval.
Then frigid cold. -20 before the windchill. And snow, snow, snow.
It was mesmerizing watching the arid snow blow across the roads, and I'm glad I can still see the beauty in something so brutal.
I'm amazed at what a person can get used to.
Especially your breath freezing in your nose and throat on days like this.
Look at this pile of snow in the shopping center. It warmed up to 5 degrees and people were playing on it.
I had to smile.
.JPG)
.JPG)
It's just crazy.
This week,
my car had to go to the shop three times for engine light issues and running rough. The car dealership is not close to my house, so that sucked.
Our snow blower died, so the driveway is a mess and we were getting stuck before we ever got on the road.
I've been crying a lot, over everything, large and small. Missing my dad, which is strange, because it's been five and a half years now. Worrying about my kids, worrying about my mom, crying at commercials, crying talking to people with problems worse than mine.
The tears will not stop.
Oh and the drama. Yep, crying over that too.
Volleyball Drama. Crazy coach, ultimatums, betrayals.
It would take 3000 words to explain, and I know this because I wrote it out and that's what my computer said, 3000 words, just the facts.
In short:
The facts are simply that my daughter did not want to play indoor, just beach volleyball.
Her indoor/beach coach made her play indoor or else he wouldn't coach her in beach.
Normally not a big deal, but when you live where we do, and only one business in a 90 mile radius has sand courts inside, you are stuck, so she played indoor, at great cost to all of us.
For those unfamiliar with the midwestern club sports scene, it costs thousands of dollars per season, when you add up all the club fees and required tournament fees and travel costs to play club sports.
It's insane, right? The quest for elite sports teams and the dream of a college career.
Insane. You could pay for a chunk of college with what you spend on the travel club sports.
She didn't want to play travel volleyball this year, but was given no option. So we paid. Because she dreams of playing beach volleyball at the collegiate level,now that it is an NCAA sanctioned sport. So we paid money and she paid with much more.
But then we found someone who would train her in sand over the winter, while her normal coach was busy with the indoor business, very overextended. We thought, why not? It makes her Happy.
I'll tell you why not, because this business is petty and stupid and mistrusting, and her old coach wigged out and said you can't train or play anywhere with anyone but me or else you can't train in my sand. And you can't play in my club. Be exclusive or go away.
Well, give us an ultimatum once, and maybe we'll comply.
Pull that bullshit twice and no way, no how. We called his bluff.
So we were excused from the team daughter was forced to join, mid season, the night before a big match. Friendships were strained, tears were shed.
It was the saddest thing I've watched happen in a long time,
and I know how ridiculous that sounds, because I don't know what sad is, where kids are concerned. I've been lucky, blessed and I know it.
But the scars of this manipulation will linger.
On the bright side, we are now free to train with whoever, whenever we want, so that come summer, when those college coaches are looking, she will be ready.
We are already working with the new coach that precipitated all this change, and he is a great guy. He doesn't have exclusivity issues, and his goal is to teach the girls to train themselves once he has taught them all he knows.
I already love him.
He is encouraging and phenomenal and a very talented athlete in his own right.
And he hooked us up with a wonderkid who needs a partner to play up in the women's leagues. Daughter is already sure walking away from everything she knew was the best thing she's ever done.
Except for the 180 miles it takes to get her there and home again, I'm inclined to agree.
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. -- Lao Tzu
Yes, I suppose that is true.
I'll keep you posted on the new developments, and hopefully I can quit crying about everything and nothing soon. Maybe if I could just sleep, more than an hour or two at a time. Maybe that's it.
Or maybe life is just sad, and tears are a normal response to it all.
Anyhow,
I've been listening to this song for hours, and it could turn into days. But that's ok. It suits my mood.
Stay warm my friends.
xo
This is all so hard. So hard. I'm sorry. May it all turn out to be well and may the sun come out and the temperatures rise and may your heart rise as well.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have passed through the worst of it all and as Lao Tzu said, maybe this is the best thing that could have happened. I go through periods when crying seems to be the only thing that gives me release. Please embrace it, dear. :-)
ReplyDeleteLittle kids little problems, big kids big problems.
ReplyDeleteIt will all work out in the end, try not to lose too much sleep over it.
I'm so tired of winter, but I don't need to tell you that.
This sounds unbelievably painful and intense! I say good for you for ditching that controlling selfish abusive coach. It's like ditching a super manipulative bad boyfriend, so hard at first because you cared for him once, until you realize how great was the burden you were carrying. Now you are free but your poor heart is probably still healing. And I know about the worrying about loved ones. Crying is a good release. But I wonder. Do you think one of those sun lamps, aka happy lamps, might offer a little relief. The weather sounds so gray and bleak and cold. My daughter has one at college in the tundra (as we call it). Actually everyone there does. Your daughter will be fine because she has major backup from her parents. But all that figuring out what to do in the face of such betrayal takes a toll. And when it's our child who has been betrayed, it slices deepest of all. Baby steps, my love. Summer will come.
ReplyDeleteYou are a sensitive soul, Mel. It shows in everything you do, from your love of your family to your love of nature and your fellow humans. So, of course you feel things, especially things like the disappointment of someone you trusted (that coach guy) more deeply than some others. Crying is hard, if you do it all the time, but it is also sacred. We all know by now that crying isn't weakness, it's a tenderness, and empathy and a profound understanding of the unfairness of life. Saints cry. So please don't be ashamed of that. It's great when it lessens too, isn't it? Because it kind of gets in the way sometimes, dang it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to your dear girl, so lucky to have you and your sensitive soul to back her up and guide her. Like paddington says, Summer will come - and you will be so ready for it!
And the photos ---- as always soooo wonderful.
My daughter was Highland dancing at a championship level and that is when everything changed. Her teachers started acting as if they owned her and would force her to dance as a way of 'advertising' for their school. There was no choice. If she did not comply there would be repercussions. It was too much for my daughter and gave up dancing last year. And yes, it broke my heart. So, I understand your frustration and pain.
ReplyDeleteAs for grief, think of it as a continuum. It goes on forever, some days worse than others. There seems to be no rhyme of reason for when the sadness will come.
Wowwww.....I had no clue about the volleyball side of things. I see the cheerleading world from my sisters and nieces but damn it all, that is a crazy chaotic story. At the end of it all, I'm glad your daughter is happier at this point. She's learned a big life lesson but I know that has come at quite a cost both in actual money and in emotional reserves.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good mom.
I know what you mean about the tears. I really do. Over the most random things, too.