Fall

It's been a blustery week, with crisp cold mornings below thirty degrees,

which in the Illinois scheme of things is very mild, 

but so cold, so soon. I've been wearing layers, scarves, gloves, thick socks, bundled up against the stiff wind that's blown this weather our way.  Tucker doesn't seem to notice. He likes the chill in the air and is running around like a kid chasing squirrels and looking for adventure. He is crazy about getting in the car, because it means we are either going for a walk, or driving through the bank where dog biscuits come out the window with my receipt. Magic.

We've had some blue, blue skies.

We've been to another forest preserve and walked crunchy trails filled with new fallen leaves:

We've been to a new wetland trail full of lovely surprises :

And we've wandered the well worn path in the front yard.

My already stiff neck is stiffer from looking up so much, but how can I not?

If it weren't cold or raining I'd take a blanket outside and lay on the ground and look up until every leaf and nuance of yellow was memorized:

We planted some maple trees a decade ago, mere twigs when we stuck them in the ground.

Every year they are different colors, it's a complete mystery.

The lemon yellow this year is wonderful:

Oh, October.

One or two weeks of glorious color right out my front door.

I should be happier. I'm grateful, and respectful.

But.

I can't hardly get out of my own way lately.

There's no cure for what's bugging me, feeling old and achy and tired and run down.

The neck pain is flaring up, with the muscle spasms and headaches,

the hot flashes are having their way with me. And I am so, so tired.

Same story, different year.

I hope its a passing thing and I get a spring back in my step and find my old self again soon.

I hate feeling defeated and resigned, it's shameful.

I've got no good reason, just too much awareness of how crazy hard life is, with a crumbling body,

and not enough estrogen or seratonin or vitamin D or energy. And the news, lord, the news, 

I am insane with watching the news, worrying about the world. 

I'm particularly upset lately about childhood poverty, and cutbacks to food stamps and the terrible knowledge that hungry children can't learn or perform as well as they should.  Half. Half the children in the US are food insecure right now,

and I don't have a fucking clue how to help beyond donating to my local food bank and voting for people who aren't selfish small minded ass holes. 

I am careening between the micro and macro worries.

Costco called my house last night, to tell us the meatloaf we bought weeks ago was recalled due to possible Lysteria contamination in the ketchup glaze. WTF? 

I don't even know what to eat or buy anymore. I am overwrought, I really am. This life, it is crazy making.

There is nothing to be said or done, especially about the getting old part. 

It comes. It goes. It has its way with me, and I wait for me to come back.

Maybe I go dormant seasonally too, maybe I fall apart when the leaves fall because it is the way of things. 

Maybe I should quit looking for analogies and quit trying to make sense of things that will never make sense.

Maybe I should put on a raincoat and boots and walk outside while the leaves still hang on.

Maybe I will. It's as good a plan as any.

A little walk-about might cheer me up a bit. I know it will make Tucker a happy boy.

Happy Halloween y'all. Thanks for stopping by for the same old whine fest.

xo